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The Nuclear Age

by Annie Fish

/
1.
i get the feeling that this has been like a dream the way it’s been trauma’s no way to live my tired head i’m running out of ways to mark the time look you survived a day look you survived a week look you survived a month look you survived a year but what’s the use if everyday feels like this and i can’t sleep you know just where to press and drag me back but i wont forget who i am i won’t forget who i was i won’t forget who i’ve been i won’t forget all i’ve done i won’t forget anything i won’t forget anything
2.
it’s the classic scene an empty bed my arm stretched out and all my fingers touch is the light on your pillow there is only dust where once there was your smile and there is only one toothbrush left in the cup these years when you realize that everything you felt is not as sweet as it once was and everything is trauma you’ve been trying way too hard to make it all okay and now you jump at every noise and haven’t slept since god knows when these years these years we had these years we used to have
3.
if i’ve had enough will i do it like i thought? will i climb up to the roof with a bottle of wine? and will i gaze at the stars? will i fade as they burn? will it be dusk or dawn? and how long will it take? and i will i walk down to the river? will i sit down by the shore? will a dog come and find me? will he bite at my nose? and who will it be? who will find me down there? and what will they think? will they know who i am? so when the only drawbacks are the people i know— are they enough for the scales, to tip me back to “home?’ and i know apologies will never suffice but stuck without anything else to explain— so if i follow through, what will be the thing to do? who would grieve for my body? and will they stop eventually? but i truly believe that something we need is freedom from the bullshit from the way things had to be and i am tired of acting like a great bag of stones i release you from my weight as i walk out the door as i bid you goodnight and as i bid you farewell someday i hope that you could forgive a poor wretch like me
4.
Guts 02:39
as i stayed up to listen for you to come home i missed the point when this turned grey and i lost my friend (who else knew me but you) i’ve left myself with dreams of time a future lost i cant forget the smoke of spring the massive cost you tear and scream so i sleep in dirt it makes sense to me i miss our world how it was when we still spoke at all (the secrets no one knows) i’ve left myself with dreams of time a future lost i cant forget the smoke of spring the massive cost i turned around to share a joke but you’re still gone and the air still burns from when you made me say i never cared you know you’re wrong (at least i hope that you are)
5.
Slump 03:17
when i hear you come home beating down the door and if i was reading i would close the book and throw it on the floor beneath the couch that i had made my home upon and hide my head in my hands beneath my old blanket oh ho, its never enough to keep your screaming away i’m so tired and when you slump into bed or when you’re carried home i keep my eyes shut tight i scared of what i’m hearing and if you keep on like this i might just forget to breathe its happening i dont believe that i will see the end of this i’ll hide my head in my hands beneath my old blanket oh ho, its never enough to keep your screaming away it’s in those wilding eyes i don’t recognize i tell you to your face the only way that i’d hate you is if you died and then you wept and went back to the hospital oh ho, its never enough to keep your screaming away it’s in those red hot eyes i used to trust i’m so tired and i’ve had enough of this scene i dont think i’ll stay here but i cant leave you’re stuck with me and i am trapped with you
6.
Winterburn 04:05
winter burn / in case of care no monument / no rotten turn a sour patch / a cabbage rot a darkened stem / a careless yearn and i cannot find the time to rest  i have no power over this i have no say of how my life has gone winter burn / a darkened turn a masterpiece / is overturned a life on hold / the liminal a purgatory / impossible to hold my head / to keep in step to take a breath / i’m nothing left and i cannot find the time to rest i have no power over this i have no say of how my life has gone winterburn / in lieu of faith my sanity / upon the rocks i feel so lost / a waste of time when i lost you / it was the worst a dried up cat / a rotten egg a raccoon’s tooth / a skunk’s betrayal a pair of shoes / hung up the wire the fading ghost / of our desire and i cannot find the time to rest i have no power over this i have no say of how my life has gone
7.
Couch 02:52
a couch in the middle of nowhere you and i walking out between the rocks and leaves i keep swaying into you a nervous magnetism that i don’t want to lose i will choose to remember this instead of now ‘cause now is when i stand dreaming the feel of the grit of a rope the chafing at the neck as the last thing that i feel i’d rather be strangled by the strength of your arms (the last time i felt something soft) but i will stay swallowed in this place held back by old mistakes when they see that i’m getting too happy they’ll be sure to remind me that i don’t deserve a thing
8.
when you say you’ll slit my throat what do i say crying wolf at everything sweetness for a small moment snuffed again by barbs and bile roaring back to hurt i cannot deal with every time you say you’ll die someday you will wind up right so go ahead and please cry wolf it saves me from the moment it is true and why can’t i warm up my hands why do i just remain cold i feel my inside twisting taut at the stress of holding on making me a bloody knot yet as warm blood should be i remain cold your screaming form unknowing and wild eyes as if i with all our years a stranger or an enemy to you my sympathy is lacking when the last thing i hear in bed is “i hate you” and still i give you my kindness the act of kindness sparks the thought: “what is wrong with me” so gingerly i peer in to mark your breath making sure it remains drawn and that the sheets move with your chest to see if you will stir again wonder what i’d do if you weren’t anymore
9.
care and terror needling through the doorway of your life care for someone i once loved beyond all sense of kindness and respect shudder at the thought the vision of the hands of husband fresh from clink his blinding rage a screaming form of whirling fists against your bone not to you i don’t believe of all the people you could hang a story like this on id never wish this world of hurt upon you i still think you deserve all the best that life can give i think you’ve had enough you’ve lived enough for two or more at least terror setting in a set of circumstance as truth and horror making bruise upon a silver mound of skin i swear to something if he breaks your nose i will erase him from this plane yes if he breaks the nose i’ve spent a lifetime writing tome and tome again about in edifice to memory the one night where we shared a kiss i swear the same old moron’s hope that you could realize id never lay a hand upon you in the way i hear he does and thus if this like a sinking ship i can only hope to something there is flotsam in the wake to make a desperate grab and hold a hope for future’s sake because the last thing you should do is drown you’re too important to the world you’ve help to build inside the eyes of those you’ve helped to birth your titanic resilience will carry you away alive upon the wreckage of this time you must hold on you must hold on you must ignore the iceberg’s pull upon the hull the night will end the dawn will come and you will find your warmth again i swear
10.
i could call it dust or i could call it skin i could call this water or i could call it blood i could be sad since i have to remember who will i be when all this is over and so grief follows joy follows guilt follows calm follows everything else you could feel its the grim price of memory as sticky as sin it’s the cost of never forgetting a thing someday i will reach out to every one else who saw through the obvious lie i cant believe that i have to live through these times and drown in this joke of a life and if i breathe and try to feel the touch of a streetlight so i have reason a God to believe in and i swear that i will try to move through the ocean of wishing i could like a ship of bone cuts through the blood and i don’t know what i’ll look like three days from now but i don’t think i care anymore and i’ll find some peace in the drift of the trees and laugh when you say i survived what i need is a future as thin as a mist to hide in my sheets like a ghost like a ghost, like a ghost of cheer, like a ghost as if a ghost was always with me but for now, it’s late out and i’ll have to make my own way home

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"i'm just thinking about it."

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released January 7, 2023

Written, Arranged, Produced, and Performed by Annie Fish.

Recorded in Albuquerque, New Mexico, October 2018 to December 2020, and in New York City, New York in March 2021.

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Annie Fish Chicago, Illinois

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T-Minus 15.193792102158E+9 years until the universe closes!

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